Immanual Kant was a real pissant

Who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar

Who could think you under the table

David Hume could outconsume

Schopenhauer and Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel

There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya

'Bout the raising of the wrist

Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will

On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill

Plato they say, could stick it away

Half a crate of whiskey every day

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle

Habbes was fond of his dram

And Rene' Descartes was a drunken fart

"I drink, therefore I am"

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed

A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed